I am transitioning from male to female: questions about being a transgender person

As some of you already know, I have started a hormone treatment in order to feminize my body. I'm transitioning from male to female because I want to live my life as a transgender woman. 


Here are some of my thoughts, questions and answers about this defining process. 

This is perhaps the most important decision I have made in my entire life and I’m very aware of the challenges I face now and I will in the future. At the same time I feel very happy and pleased with the process so far.

Honestly and despite some critics from family members, I feel great about this change. It's something I wanted to do since I was very young although my life always directed me in the opposite way. I’m writing this to inform others about this process, in case you are thinking about it or know someone who wants to do it, and also out of respect for the people who know me as a man.

Keep in mind, this is my personal experience and I intend to represent only my own views.

Since I announced my transition a week ago, I have received some comments and questions in this blog, in other social media and in private. So here is a brief reply where I will try to explain why the change, so maybe this can help others. I'm not writing this because I’m trying to justify my actions, this is my private life after all. 

Why the change?

Here it’s me “coming out” for third time. I did it before as a homosexual man, undocumented immigrant and now a transgender to-be.

Firstly, I think this process is not meant for every men who is feminine or every woman who is masculine. Whoever wants to be a trans person first must learn about one self and have the need to change his/her body to represent their true gender. Some people realize their nature at early age, some of us are taking longer. This change is about personal realization and the pursuit of true happiness.

Starting this transition can be a hard decision to make. Considering that living the life as a transgender woman can be very difficult, especially because of transphobia in society, the challenges faced by transgenders (higher rates of unemployment, suicide, violence, sexual-related diseases and deaths, homelessness and others) and the way transgender people are portrayed by the media.

My life is already very difficult, so it seems very inconvenient for me to do this.

However, I’m doing this because I'm tired of pretending and because I can't live afraid or in negativity. Life is what you make of it. I avoided taking this step many times before, out of fear, self homophobia (being a feminine man is not something men from homophobic societies look forward to) and lack of the right information and resources.

In the last few years I dedicated myself to help others, and in the process I forgot about myself. Early this year I felt that it was the right time to focus on myself again. Later on, I will write about the experiences that led me into this decision. 

It's about the individual

It's very healthy and necessary to take care of our own selves, we need to be our first priorities so that we can help other people later on. This is something that I'm learning to do now.

In this sense, one of the most common question I get to be asked by readers and some friends is, why do I want to look like a woman when most gay men are only attracted to manly men? A reader wrote literally wrote, “We are men and we like men, why do we need to look or act like women?”

I’m not doing this as an 'act' nor to pretend to be someone I’m not.  In my case, becoming a transgender woman is not intended to fully become a completely biological woman. That’s impossible. Besides, remember that I’m starting this process in my middle age in life, so the changes won't be too drastic.

To explain my gender better, let me say that ever since I fell in love with my first boyfriend, I always felt I was his woman. I never wanted to be the other man in my relationships, I secretly felt this way with my lovers but I never wanted to accept it openly. That feeling has gotten stronger with the years. My sense of gender is not masculine. I tried for too long to 'act and look' as a masculine man just to please others and because it was the safer, easier thing to do.

Right now, I’m not too concerned about how I look or how others will perceive me, I'm just happy to fulfill my dream. I’m aware that nature gave me a body that can feel masculine and feminine at the same time, but now I want to reinforce my femininity.

Yes, I want to look very much like a female but there will not be genital replacement surgery, at least not in the short term. I think most people will always notice me as a man who looks like a woman, or a woman who has a masculine touch. We will see. It’s funny and rewarding that already I’ve been called “ma’am, lady” when I’m in public. That's to me is a nice compliment, now.

In the past, I kept this “other side” of me as a secret even to my closest friends. Meanwhile I was doing cross-dressing for a few years, on and off. Here is important to understand that cross-dressing is not a sign of wanting to be a transsexual person. To me, being a trans means representing physically who I’m inside and outside. I want my body to match my soul, I don’t want to dress just to pretend or to please a sexual fantasy.

Most importantly, I consider myself a Two Spirit person, someone who has both a feminine and a masculine soul. This is a contemporary concept among some Native peoples of North America, and since share a mixed Native heritage from South America, I’d like embrace this beautiful concept.

Family and social pressure

If you see me around these days, you might notice some sadness in my eyes. Most of my family are not supporting me, and no matter what, my family will always remain important to me. For years I didn’t want to start this process in part because I didn’t want to upset them. I sacrificed my own well being for them to be alright, which is a very nice thing to do but is completely unfair and useless. Now I realize.

I grew up in Peru, in a very conservative, Catholic and homophobic environment as the 6th child of a working class and fairly well educated family. At the moment, some of my family members are my biggest critics and not coincidentally they use their religion as their excuse to reject me. This is extremely sad to me because I grew up close to my them until I was a teenager, when I accepted my sexuality.

Most of my relatives are remaining silent about my decision, while a few others have spoken out both in support and in staunchly opposition. Although I’m saddened, I can’t live my life for my family even when I care about them, especially my mother. I need to be a bit selfish this time. For too long I tried to content others.

Given this absence of a family, the support of friends is very important. Last weekend I had a long conversation with friends that are transgender women, who faced similar experiences with their relatives when they came out. They are strong, educated and respectable women. Talking helps.

Sexuality and gender

Another question I received is if I’m doing this to attract more men. My life is very hectic and too busy to be looking around for a partner although I’m not alone right now. Besides sex is not my priority in life – not right now. I already attract straight-bisexual men who see me as a reminder of a female or a very, very feminine man. So my transition is not about getting more attention, not as first priority. This is about living my life as a healthy transgender woman, it's about my body reflecting my true gender.

Someone wrote me, “I support gays and lesbians but transgender are against nature”.  At least she was honest.  I agree that becoming a transgender person is not a natural process completely. It involves a chemical treatment and sometimes surgery (if I can afford it, maybe). But it’s mostly a mental, spiritual, psychological process that is only intended for those people whose nature demands the change.

I reply to this by saying that to me, it's very unnatural to continue living as a man, or as a gay man. If a person is born with a body that needs to be corrected for justified reasons, that is what surgery is there for. We know nature is not always perfect even if it seems that way.

Sexually, I like gay men but I like better men who appreciate my feminine side and they tend to be bisexual or heterosexual men. I remember when I first moved to the U.S. I finally had the courage to accept myself. However, here I encountered a self internalized homophobia within the gay community. I happened to date mostly dominant men who liked masculine men -usually Latino, Black and Natives. I did my best to hide my feminine side in order to be “accepted”. I joined a gym, I took a bit of testosterone hormones and I tried to act very masculine to please my lovers. I actually think I was very attractive as a man.

But that wasn’t the true me. 

Immigration and economic status 

A reader asked me if I’m doing this to regularize my immigration status, to get a legal residency. The answer is plain and simple no. Of course, I’m looking forward to continue living in the U.S. because this feels like home for me now, and yes I will use any chance I can get to become a legal resident. I don’t see myself living in Peru anymore, unless I need to move there to take care of my aging mother.

However, if I get deported I will continue this process wherever is necessary.

Another question I received is about living my life as a sexual worker. Unlike most people, I have lots of respect for transsexual girls who trade sex for money. Not just because I dislike prudes and judgmental people but sex work is not an easy thing to do, it requires a lot of courage, intelligence, sensibility and things that most people are incapable of doing. But that is not for me. I have witnessed that lifestyle, I know people who have done it and I know it can seem fun and very comfortable, but is also very risky and misleading. It all depends how you carry yourself, like everything in life.

I see myself doing activism, art paintings, social media or manual labor as a way to make a living, here in the U.S. or wherever life leads me. I will slow down with my blogs, they take too much time from me which I need now for myself.

Gratitude

Now I want to finish this uncompleted post (there are more questions unanswered remaining for other posts), by mentioning the valuble support I have received from people who know me personally and online, most of whom are heterosexuals, by the way.

Encouraging words can do so much good to anyone who is facing a big change in life. I had no idea that my readers had such a level of respect for what I do. Those who know me well are aware that I’m not a perfect person, that I have made many mistakes in my life but still there people who see the best of me. That encourages me to do the same, to value the best of me. These are some comments I've received:

I'm impressed by your fortitude and courage. I wish you every luck in this road. 

Qué bueno poder ser quien realmente quieres ser. Un abrazo a la distancia, y mucha fuerza! 

I support you! Your Happiness is what matters. 

Te felicito,por cada paso que deas para lograr tu felicidad..que para eso hemos venido a la tierra. 

I support you too. Self realization is a task that many of us are unable to confront and display. Hats off to you! ♥ 

¡Felicidades! Mi más grande admiración por ser quien eres, y en especial por compartirlo.  

Give the older ones time to get used to and get to know Camila. When they realize that she's quite pretty and doesn't look strange and that she's as kind and smart as Carlos, they'll come around. 

Felicitaciones por decidir vivir como te sientes mejor, es algo a lo que todos y todas tenemos derecho.  

It's not going to be easy. Change isn't. Time will move this beyond just the sexual thing too and make it easier. When they see photos of Camila demonstrating for immigrant rights and things like that...that will help. 

Una decision que merece mi mas sincero respeto, e identificacion con aquellos que rompen tabues sociales y familiares en el logro de la felicidad como persona. Siempre contigo 

Couldn't just be another Ho hum Undocumented Queer? Congrats on your bravery. 

Carlos siempre me ha encantado, tu sensibilidad y la sincera conviccion de tu persona, esto te hace ver bella, bello, en fin te hace ver como el crisol de colores que la humanidad tiene. 

Harta energía positiva para esta nueva etapa, Camila. Respeto mucho tu camino de libertad.

Finally, thanks to you if you are still reading this much. As the imperfect creations of nature that we are, living under the protection of a superior being, we got our lives filled with constant transitions and changes that are mostly beyond our control. But many of those changes are our choices and they can be almost entirely up to us. This transitioning from male to female is one of them, I have made that choice for myself.

With this transition, I'm ready to face the challenges, by taking control of my life and appreciating every day I wake up. Now I see things with more hope, with a bigger sense of beauty, harmony and peace. Some days I have doubts and concerns, but I always stay calm and optimistic. This is a process I’m learning as I go.

In some way I have survived a life of events that made me a stronger person. Now I’m living, I'm truly looking forward to discover the near future. What is holding that future for me, I'm not sure but I know that I will do my best to fully enjoy and appreciate my true life.

Update: I posted some photos that show changes 2 months after I started this process.  

Also, I'm using the names Camila which I used for years when I did cross-dressing, and Mishki (sweetness in Quechua language) a name was given by my good friend Marcos.